#277: Cocaine bananas, lazy bureaucrats, GPS bike theft

Sarah Wagenknecht would affect a Berlin election too

Berlin, where you have to wait six months just to get a Stempel (official seal). Photo: Christian Schnettelker

Hey 20 Percent,

My belief is that Berlin bureacrats cultivate a culture of laziness, of sloth. That’s not to say there aren’t many out there working hard to get atop the mountain of paperwork that is life in this city. But generally, coffee and a smoke break seem to be favored over getting sh*t done — whether it’s insisting that only one task can be completed per appointment or the Polizei discussing with me every time I dial 110 if they really, really are responsible for the assault/dog bite/house fire I’m calling about.

But that culture is supported and/or exacerbated by Berlin’s bureaucractic ping pong — it’s often never clear if the city of Berlin, the state of Berlin or the local borough is responsible for a specific issue. Bureaucrats from one can very easily refer — or volley — an issue to a different office and go have a coffee.

And nothing can get done for months or years.

Our current government hopes to change that, according to Tagesspiegel (paywall). Workshops are currently developing a catalog — an Amazon — of Berlin tasks that would assign them to specific borough or city-state-wide offices and make it easier to identify and eliminate overlapping responsibilities. To make it easier to get sh*t done.

The workshops are supposed to be complete and a law that would put the catalog into effect will be addressed by Berlin's parliament by the end of the year. I agree with an unnamed source in the article that calls the document “a revolution”.

Should it work, I would almost like this anti-bike, pro-car coalition, which just makes me dislike them that much more.

But I’l still complain about the laziness of Berlin Beamten.

On another note — you know who wasn’t lazy? Those of you who came out to the first 20 Percent/Spicy Comedy night at Umspannwerk Ost Saturday. What a great night — thanks! We’re doing it again May 4 with yet another hilarious lineup. Buy tix here!

Have a good weekend!

Andrew

PS: As always, please support today’s sponsor, KRAFTFUTTER (more info below).

Cocaine at your local Lidl

Berlin’s drug dealers also appear to have gotten lazy and apparently forgot to pick up a shipment at a fruit wholesaler. Packs of between 20 and 100 kilos of the white gold were found in seven supermarkets in Berlin and four in neighboring Brandenburg, according to BZ. A Lidl in Schönefeld was among the lucky grocers who found the drugs in banana crates, though it’s unclear if the tainted bananas were found solely in Lidls. The street value of the drugs is in the millions and it’s at least the third time fruit wholesalers have discovered large amounts of Berlin’s favorite pasttime with bananas — last September, 500 kilos were discovered by a wholesaler near Potsdam.

We collectively own 4,500 more flats

Public Berlin housing company Howoge got some sh*t done over the last few months and is shelling out €700 million for 4,500 apartments in Lichtenberg and Treptow-Köpenick as part of an effort to boost government ownership of Berlin housing and get a handle on skyrocketing rents. The apartments belong to private landlord Vonovia, which is also including in the deal a 7-hectare site in Buch where 1,200 apartment will be built. The purchase is being used as an example against a recent-ish referendum that seeks to limit private landlords to just 3,000 flats each while forcing them to sell any excess to the city-state. Never mind that the government has never met its annual goal of building 20,000 new flats and is dragging its feet on implementing the democratically approved referendum.

Your bike wasn’t stolen, you just lost your turn

A true-crime podcast of bureaucratic ping pong every Berliner would listen to — Anastasia R. detailed how she tracked and failed to get her stolen bike back for the Tagesspiegel (Paywall). She paid €600 for her two-wheeler two weeks ago and slapped a Kryptonite lock and GPS tracker on it (as you do). Then, Wednesday, her Handy told her her bike was no longer in her Neukölln courtyard, it was in a random industrial site in Wildau, south of Berlin. She called the Berlin non-emergency police number, who told her to call 110, which then told her to call whatever police department covered Wildau. Because, yes, they were too lazy to tell her. She googled and found the right cops who then responded but could ultimately do little because the bike was in one of many trucks at the site and they lacked the probable cause for a search. She was then supposed to call the Berlin cops to get permission to search but by then her bike was moving again — to Lithuania, presumably to its new owner. A police spokesman told the paper they had no record of the theft, and presumably went back to their coffee and cigarette.

Pro-Palestinian protest camp is no more

Police Friday forbid and began evicting the approximately 20 members of a pro-Palenstinian camp in front of the Bundestag that was set up to protest the German government’s supply of weapons to Israel. Cops said the camp had been the site of illegal, antisemitic speech and, to prohibit any future lawbreaking, would clear the site, according to Morgenpost.

Factoid

Loss/gain over 2023 election in parentheses. Graphic by us, stats by Infratest dimap

A recent Berlin Sonntagsfrage (Sunday survey), where pollsters ask voting-age residents who they would vote for if elections were Sunday, shows that little has changed in our city-state. The conservative CDU remains king with their most likely partner in a new government either the environmentalist Grüne or the center-left SPD. The key change is at the bottom end — disgruntled Linke politician Sarah Wagenknecht left her party to found her own which, like a true narcissist, she named after herself — the BSW, or Sarah Wagenknecht Alliance. Not even a good band name but she’s lured mostly conservative-ish voters (CDU, FDP and AfD), according to RBB24. Don’t fret — the next Berlin election isn’t until fall 2026.

⭐ ⭐ ⭐ Visit our sponsor! ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

Did you know that the success of effective muscle building isn't just about the work in the gym, but also largely about what you eat? That's why Steve Windolf, German actor and CEO of IT'S FOODISM, developed KRAFTFUTTER to help you achieve your fitness goals and support your healthy nutrition.

KRAFTFUTTER is high-protein meals from IT'S FOODISM. We are a Berlin-based company and we aim to provide not only delicious but also the finest convenient food:

🐘XL portion (600g)

🐰Plant-based

💚100% organic

🌾Partially Gluten-free

🫛Partially soy-free

❌No added sugar

❌No preservatives

Convince yourself with our test box and enjoy 25% off.